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10 September 2012 @ 02:38 am
and what will i do with you now, dear lj?
05 July 2012 @ 12:19 am
17 June 2012 @ 04:26 pm
haven't been so depressed in a long time. reminded once again why i don't tweet.
back hurts, phone shattered, rejected and dejected.
17 June 2012 @ 10:41 am
woke up, cried, blocked up an anthole. story of my life.
13 June 2012 @ 10:46 pm
i try not to engage in self pity because society frowns against it, then i realise i can't remember anything at all. good and bad, mostly bad, i've thrown everything away, and sometimes when other people recall things i have no recollection even i was supposed to be there, supposed to have known. what's your life if you can't remember it, if you don't know what made you the way you are now?

i guess i never had real friends if most of what i can remember about them is regrets. the regret i didn't shout at them to stop, to scream at them that they had crossed the line into jeering and hurtful long ago, regret that i didn't cry because i had pride, regret that i didn't show everyone the injustice i felt intensely, regret that i didn't end things once and for all, and they always returned to bully me, regret that i held everything in and told myself that i didn't want to be the weak one, the hysterical one, because they always blame it on me anyway. i don't see any of you in a way that makes me want to be friends with you, to share anything of myself with any of you, because underlying whatever behaviour i can still feel as strongly as the times i felt rage and helplessness against the injustices heaped on me. if i spoke at length about any of this, and i have tried, there was just annoyance and a want to get away from the other end.

maybe some people are just doomed to be on the sidelines of the social arena, and sometimes i get depressed about it but i've more or less internalised the acceptance. any attempts to go beyond a level of close acquaintances have failed, or are not entertained by anybody else.