okay so my exams for this semster are over! fervently hoping for a cap puller.

i didnt think i was a pessimistic person, just cynical. but i guess now you can lump me with the pessimists. the kind of people you blame for finding ways to be miserable, even though i don't know how i do it since i feel it so often i guess i must be doing something wrong somewhere. as usual you always know how and when to douse my fire. i was beginning to feel pretty good but then... maybe i'm not meant to be a happy person. goes off and becomes a glum person people don't pity and i don't pity either. i wish sometimes we could return right to the beginning, when you didn't take everything i said as accusatory or invasive, but completely neutral. and our correspondences were a lot more frequent. your guards are up immediately and your temper flares so fast it's not my place to say pretty much anything to you.

heehee, so strange that even though i know full well this is a public place i've said all this. i'm tired, unwilling to give up, but so, so tired and wronged. the more i think about it, the more l'arc concert (last saturday, whoops didn't post about it) was such a bright happy moment where i thoroughly, thoroughly enjoyed myself and could actually be free (physically and mentally) to be loud and excited and expressed, in my element. i don't think i've felt so at home and comfortable, maybe it's because for so long i havent been this way (whereas previously i was probably more or less like this most of the time) that i really felt liberated, and the thought "this is me!!! love it" actually flashed in my mind, because i've never actually thought i had a solid me to begin with. well that's my moment of loud fun! no dampers, hyde (the epitome in voice body and face, of sex) the most awesome botox eating rocker ever, and the very talented ken tetsu and yuki, thank you lots and lots! i've never thought i'd hear l'arc live, all these songs and that amazing smooth deep rich sonorous rock voice. thanks also for the free ticket!!!! blessings be unto you.

i have upgraded my state of worry and anxiety to fidgeting and inability to hold attention for any amount of time. and the panic slowly rises. the helplessness. some part of me just wants to lose control physically and flail about in frustration but the rest of me knows that nothing would make my current situation better, so i refrain. but every so often the urge resurfaces and the feeling escalates. regrets at overestimating my importance.

i am really going to the mental hospital at this rate.

in a bid to avoid studying, hello i am posting more on lj. this semester has been rather eventfully stressful. and all the poems we covered in critical reading make me really critical of any random drabbles i may produce or conjure up in my head. they seem so small and teenage angsty in comparison. i wonder why in literature we delve so deep when in real life we're not supposed to delve at all. and art is supposed to be a reflection of life?

soon i will lose all contact, all attempts resulting in failure, i question its appropriateness, seeing no good come of it, i'm sorry you're free and i hope you won't experience it. when i sleep i go places without knowing how to stop, when i wake nothing moves. i dream of a time where i can look back and be glad that this time was over, and i am where i want to be. i try not to cry, but i dont laugh either. look up and wonder how long will this last.

so it's over. going back to my resolution earlier i can only blame myself, recently thought i was more valued than that. ah valley of broken promises after two weeks, contradictory behaviour, abrupt 180 degree changes, when will i ever see you again. seems like i'm always facing crunch time each crisis.

changed my layout after an hour and half's consideration and editing. during which i revisited my other blog i'd completely forgotten about until now... only elicit bittersweet smiles and vague images. bygone years

where would i go to get rid of you, in my head.


i lay in bed staring at the window watching the sky turn from dark to light and detailed so many things in my head. the poem titled transformation/mutation changing from a sonnet to a villainelle (song, song), but now nearly 24hours later i've forgotten what i wanted to ask. i wanted to watercolour in detail these jellyfish, trees, and patterns on solid paper and write long letters on the other side and i planned so many other things but as always never fulfilled any of them. and spinning like a typhoon through it all, of course, i couldn't stop returning. what are all these words for, they go to waste, they are wasted in the making and in the thinking and in the saying, they fall on nothing and all i know are words.